now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
