I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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