I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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