I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
