I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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