I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
