..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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