someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
