The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
