I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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