Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
