why do cheetos always look like penises
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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