Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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