I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
