Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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