Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
