i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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