i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
