Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
