just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
