i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
