Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
