this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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