I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
