No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
