if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
