After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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