i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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