Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Randomize
