I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
