I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
