I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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