sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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