My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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