I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
no you cant smoke seaweed
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Randomize
