A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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