I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
