i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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