Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
