I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
