someone threw a dead crab at me
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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