i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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