Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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