woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
