Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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