she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
