im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
