I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
dude i'm inner monologue high
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
