The police scanner is talking about you again....
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
