He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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