my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
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i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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