dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
