everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
