Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
