i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
