Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
