capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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