she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
