you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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