I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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