I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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