I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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