who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
